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In the years after my husband left me, I had to stop listening to music popular in the years we were married. The memories were just too painful.
Instead, I went back to music from before I met him. Those songs held no negative memories, and helped me find ‘me’ again… if you know what I mean. Continue reading
Mum
May 2016 be your year of yes. May it be filled with love, family, adventure, travel, new experiences and empowerment.
All my love,
xx
That was the inscription my daughter wrote on the book she gave me for Christmas 2015 – Year of Yes (How to Dance it Out, Stand in the Sun and be Your Own Person) by Shonda Rhimes,- the incredible creator of Grey’s Anatomy, Scandal and Private Practice (amongst others).
2015 was the year my husband left me, and that Christmas, despite my daughter giving birth to her first child a few days earlier, I was truly lost and in despair.
There was one particular paragraph in the book that really resonated with me. Losing yourself doesn’t happen all at once. Losing yourself happens one ‘no’ at a time. ‘No’ to going out tonight. ‘No’ to catching up with that old college roommate. ‘No’ to attending that party. ‘No’ to making a new friend. Losing yourself happens one pound at a time. Continue reading
I’ve always wanted to go to Israel, ever since I read Leon Uris’ book Exodus back in the late 60s. I even dreamed of going to work on a kibbutz when I was in my late-teens, but wars and life got in the way.
And then, this year, I finally got my chance.
But I was scared. Although I’ve travelled with friends and family since my husband left me, this would be the first time travelling completely on my own – albeit as part of a tour group.
So I sat down and went through my fears. Continue reading
Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves. Confucius.
In 1995, a woman in the city where I live – let’s call her Lucy – who’d been married for 38 years, was dumped by her husband for a younger woman. As with all women of that generation, Lucy had devoted her life to her marriage, family and his career. Distraught by his betrayal and her pain, she shot him six times.
Lucy’s husband recovered and went on to marry his mistress. Lucy was found not guilty of attempted murder by reason of temporary insanity and served time in a mental institution. On her release, scorned by society and abandoned by many of her former friends, she struggled to rebuild her relationships with her adult children and find a purpose to her life. I’m not sure she ever did, and, sadly, she died within a few years, aged 66. Continue reading
There are times when all the inspirational quotes in the world, all the positive self-talk, all the telling yourself that you should be over this, that you’re moving on, that you’re stronger and better than you were, all the kind supportive comments of friends, family and counsellors just don’t cut it. Something triggers you and the tears and pain and grief cuts right into your soul leaving you as raw and in such emotional agony as those early days.
There’s nothing – nothing – anyone else can do to help or console you. You know you’re just going to have to go down that dark path by yourself and know you’ll come out the other end into the light.
And when you do emerge into the light, it’ll be bitter-sweet, because you know that somewhere down the line – maybe not for weeks, months or even years – that darkness is waiting for you up ahead, hiding out of sight, waiting to pounce again when you’re feeling vulnerable.
For me, it was a combination of things. I had packed away all the pictures that include my ex-husband – or at least I thought I had. But last night I came upon a family photo taken of us all a couple of years before he left me. We look happy. Solid. I’m looking at the camera with total innocence, his arm around me, no idea that my marriage and family are about to implode. Continue reading
Although my husband left me almost three years ago, I was only officially divorced exactly one year ago today – March 6th, 2017. One of the saddest days of my life.
In many ways, I feel the end of our marriage was the biggest failure of my life and for so long the pain was excruciating, both physically and emotionally.
I remember people who’d been through the same thing assuring me that things would get better, but in the midst of that agony I couldn’t see light at the end of the tunnel. Continue reading
… or does it?
Princess Diana famously said, ‘There were three of us in our marriage, so it was a bit crowded.’
And then there’s that old chestnut, “It takes two to destroy a marriage.”
After my ex left me, I wrestled with both those sayings.
If it hadn’t been for my ex’s girlfriend (now wife) giving him an ultimatum, would he have ever left?
And if it takes two for a marriage to break down, then I must share 50% of the blame for the failure of mine.
I asked my husband, ‘What did I do wrong?’ Continue reading
Sometimes, when it’s hard to look at your life straight on, it helps to consider moments in it as a story – or metaphor.
The week before my husband left me, we’d booked tickets for a ten-day music festival in Scotland. Six months later I went to that festival with a friend.
It was a wonderful, yet difficult, experience. My ex and I had seen Dougie MacLean – the main performer – just a year earlier, and although I loved the company of my friend, I couldn’t help thinking about my ex, and how he should be here with me. The fact that the festival happened during our first wedding anniversary apart made it all just a little more painful. But it was a great ten days – the music toe-tapping or soulful, but always inspiring.
The final concert was to be held in a large tent in the grounds of an upmarket hotel. As it was only a mile away, we decided to walk. Continue reading
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