Tag Archives: Healing after Divorce

What’s in a name?

Deciding to change your name is a very personal decision. Although I loved being a wife and (love being) a mother, my feeling was that if my ex didn’t want me, I no longer wanted to carry his name. Embarking on my own Shirley Valentine quest to try and rediscover the me I used to be, I would do it with my ‘own’ name.

One reaction I got from someone who had only ever known me by my married name was very inspiring.  They claimed my own name sounded like a character from a Robert Louis Stevenson novel and told me to, “Go out and be the heroine of your own story.”

So what does changing your name actually involve?  When I married in the late 70s it was easy.  I had one bank account, a driver’s licence and a passport.  Done and dusted.

Now, 40 years later, it’s more complicated.  Some of it is costly, some of it’s not.  So how do you go about it?

No matter where you live, the most important thing to start with is to collect ALL of your ORIGINAL documents; birth certificate, marriage certificate and divorce certificate.  (Some people are tempted to dispose of the latter.  Don’t!)

After that, it will depend where you live.  I live in Canada, so this is how I proceeded.

  1. Driver’s Licence.  I took along all 3 certificates and got my new driver’s licence at my local AMA office. (Free)
  2. Once I had my driver’s licence for ID, I was able to change my provincial Health Care Card.  I also did that at the AMA office.  (Free)
  3. I then visited the bank with my new ID and all three original certificates and changed all my account info including credit cards etc.  (Free.)  I also have a bank account in the UK, so I needed to visit the bank with all three ORIGINAL certificates to have that changed.  (Free – except for the cost of getting there!)  This applied to my bank, it may not be the same with others, so check out what you need with your branch.
  4. Social Insurance Number.  This is where original documents are so important, especially if you were born or married overseas.  This was done at my local government office. (Free) They assured me the change would automatically be transferred over to the Taxation Agency, but it’s a good idea to…
  5. … contact your Taxation Agency and confirm that has been done.  Especially before you file your annual taxes. (Free)
  6. Passport.  Ironically I needed less ID for my passport than my Social Insurance Number – they didn’t need my marriage certificate.  Fortunately my passport was up for renewal anyway, so it only cost me the normal amount.
  7. House title.  I’ve still to do that, so I’m not sure what the cost will be.
  8. Then come other important considerations:  car ownership, car insurance, house insurance etc.  These were all free and done at my local AMA office.
  9. Then the minor things – library cards, loyalty reward cards, membership cards. Most of these will be free.
  10. Time share property.  I co-own an overseas timeshare property with my daughter – who is also my executor.  They need original documents AND it will cost approximately $300 to change my name on our joint title.  I will do that on our next visit to the property.

There are probably other things which I haven’t factored in, but I believe these are the most common.  In general, it’s not an expensive undertaking, but it is time-consuming, and here I am, two years after beginning the process, still catching things every so often.

Was it worth it?  I have friends who kept their married names and are perfectly happy about their decisions.  But for me, changing my name has helped me move forward.

One of the last scenes in Shirley Valentine is when her husband passes her on the beach.  She calls out his name and he stops, surprised.
“I didn’t recognise you,” he says.
“I know,” she replies. “I used to be The Mother.  I used to be The Wife.  Now I’m Shirley Valentine again.”

 

It’s That Time of Year Again!

(This post should have gone up at the end of 2018, but better late than never, right?)

Yes, it’s that time of year again when we look back at the year slipping out of sight in our rearview mirror, and view the approaching year with – hopefully – optimism.

Last year we wrote an end-of-year post entitled  Moving forward into the New Year. In it, we decided we would measure, in a tangible way, the frequency of our good and bad days by putting one dime in one of two jars.  The bad days couldn’t be run-of-the-mill bad days – like losing keys, the car not starting or falling down on your a-s  and looking like an idiot while trying to take a photograph.  (True story.)  They had to be bad days specifically connected to our divorce/ex-husbands/feelings of loss and/or failure.

DSC_0390Very quickly, we discovered that we were running out of dimes for our ‘good’ days, so we decided to put dimes in the jars only on our bad days.  And for me personally, although my ex remains inside my head much more than I would like, I was pleasantly surprised to realise I only had eight dimes in my bad day jar.  Some of those days were really bad days.  One involved a visit to my doctor where I just cried my eyes out.  But he was great.  He’s suffered loss himself and advised me that it’s not wrong to grieve.  We only grieve when we lose things that matter.  And my marriage mattered – to me.  The way my husband left me, says everything about him and nothing about me.

Would there have been only eight dimes in the first two years after my husband left me?  Absolutely not.  The jar would have been full to overflowing – and it’s not an exercise we would recommend until you are well into the healing process.  DO NOT DO THIS WHILE YOU ARE FEELING FRAGILE AND LOST.

I can’t promise that there won’t be more than eight dimes next year.  2018 was a really good – and busy – year for me, with lots of travelling and the birth of a granddaughter to fill my life with joy. But looking at those eight dimes laid out on the table in front of me, offers reassurance that I am healing. That I am getting back on my feet.  That life is worth living.

May 2019 bring us all blessings and peace.

Happy New Year.

 

It’s Never Too Late – Week 7 – Vhairi

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Reigniting a Sense of Resilience

At the end of each chapter in Julia Cameron’s book It’s Never Too Late to Begin Again, she asks six questions.  Two of them deal with ‘aha’ moments and experiencing synchronicity.

This week, those two things hit me at the same time. Continue reading

It’s Never Too Late – Week 5 – Part 3 – Vhairi

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It’s taken me 3 weeks to finish Chapter Five… but I’ve done it and it’s been an interesting process.

The first week brought me low, the second week I was too busy travelling to commit to completing Julia’s exercises,  but this third week… well, it’s been quite inspiring. Continue reading

It’s Never Too Late – Week 5 – Part 1 – Vhairi

 Reigniting a Sense of Honesty

In fiction writing, there’s a point in the middle of a story where the main character gets a glimpse of who they really are.  Some people call it the Mirror Moment.  In Pride and Prejudice it’s when Elizabeth reads Darcy’s letter and admits, ‘Until this moment I never knew myself’.  In the James Bond reboot Casino Royale with Daniel Craig, it’s when he puts on his first tailored tuxedo and looks at himself in the mirror.  It’s also the first time in that film we hear the faint strains of the iconic theme music. Bond is seeing himself properly for the first time.

This week’s topic was Reigniting a Sense of Honesty, and it was a hard one because I experienced my mirror moment… and I didn’t like what I saw. Continue reading

It’s Never Too Late To Begin Again – Week Two – Vhairi

REIGNITING A SENSE OF FREEDOM

Overview:

Last week, this process was a breeze. This week, I’ve discovered two things.

  1. It’s actually very time consuming and I’ve not done some of the ‘tasks’ set in the book. Excluding the 40 minutes it takes to write my daily morning pages, I think I’m going to have to set aside 30 minutes a day to keep up with things. But that’s okay, because I want to do this properly.
  2. All this introspection is bringing emotions very close to the surface. I had a ‘bad’ day yesterday – didn’t get out my pjs and lay on the couch watching TV and eating rubbish – but that’s okay too, because I’m getting closer to the heart of things that are important to me.

But the process remains exciting. I’m learning a lot and my creative juices are really beginning to fire. Continue reading