I didn’t feel great when I woke up this morning – kind of dizzy and lightheaded. When I looked in the mirror I thought I looked a bit pale. I brushed it off, putting it down to leaving the island on the first boat today and not sleeping terribly well last night.
We were on the ferry when my daughter said, ‘Dad’s not got pneumonia. It’s just a bad cold.’ (Before I left Canada, he’d been dragging his heels on some financial stuff because he claimed to be sick with pneumonia.)
Then I registered the date… and it all made sense.
Good and bad things seem to happen to me on special family days. My best friend’s mother died on my birthday, and she had to bury her mum two days later on her own. My dad died on my second wedding anniversary.
Well March 24th, is my ex’s birthday. It used to be a lovely day – we’d have the family round to celebrate at some point, even if we had to wait till the weekend. But exactly four years ago today, he was in Denmark on a business trip with his now wife. It was the day when, a few weeks later, he later told me he ‘fell out of love with me and in love with her’.
I’d phoned him that day to wish him a Happy Birthday and tell him how much I loved and missed him. Little did I realize at the time it was too late – our marriage was effectively over.
It still hurts how easily I was discarded and replaced.
And while – trust me – I am having a wonderful time in Scotland with my daughter and her family, this morning, he filled my head rather more than I’d like him to.
But it’s just one day. And now that I’ve recognized and named what was probably subconsciously preying on my mind, I feel much better, both physically and emotionally. (Okay… maybe the chocolate dipped shortbread helped!!)
Tomorrow I will be meeting up with some friends I’ve known for almost 45 years. We’ll laugh and chat and walk and… yes… have a few drinks. It will be a lovely day, spent with three fabulous women, and he’ll not enter my thoughts.
Trigger days can be hard – sometimes very hard – given how charged they can be with memories.
But we can get through them. And they do – they really do – get easier as the years go by.