I don’t know about you, but I sometimes feel my life is full of ‘shoulds’.  I should lose some weight.  I should go to the gym.  I should clean up the house.  I should wash my windows instead of reading a book.  I should eat an apple instead of an Easter egg.  I should get my taxes off to my accountant. 

As girls we’re taught we should be good, quiet, help people and shouldn’t complain or get angry if we always have to do what other people want.  Boys, I’m sure have their own ‘shoulds’ – or should nots.  Boys should be strong and shouldn’t cry, for example.

I mentioned one of my recent ‘shoulds’ to my friend, Jane, recently.  She’s been seeing a counsellor who told her to substitute the word should with either I want to do something, or I don’t want to do something.  That way it gives her control so she no longer reacts to the dictates of the past.  So, either I want to clean my house today, or I don’t want to.

Sometimes practising what you preach isn’t that easy. Jane just told me that her husband’s ex mother-in-law recently died.  Although Jane herself had never met the woman – she and her husband have been married 35 years, so it’s been a long time – she felt she should go to the funeral to support her step-children at their grandmother’s funeral.

The problem, is, she didn’t want to go.  Jane has some serious health issues.  It would be a long drive and she’s not comfortable sitting for long periods of time.  There would be a lot of people there that she didn’t know and she was feeling really stressed even just thinking about it.

And then the next morning, as she got dressed, her shoulder screamed at her.  A visit to the doctor and a cortisone shot followed.  Aftercare informed her that she was supposed to do nothing for 24-48 hours that might stress the shoulder.  Taking off and putting on a coat, sitting in a car for three hours etc. would be too much for her.

Her reaction?  Relief.  Relief that she had a way out of it all and didn’t have to do something she felt she should.

But – and these are her own words –  It’s crazy that at 76 years of age I need someone or something to “tell” me it is okay to do, or not do, something. That “should” I was taught as a girl still pops up taking away my power to make a decision based on who I am now.

I don’t want to doesn’t always get us off Scot free.  I don’t want to submit my taxes – it’s a pain in the neck.  But… I do want to get them done and off so I don’t have the income tax people breathing down my neck.  So switching the focus of something  you don’t want to something you do can help. Besides, there are sometimes you get no choice in the matter. Want to or not, I HAVE to submit my taxes. And sometimes in life, there are things we have to do whether we like it or not.

But most other things come down to choice. And occasionally, when we really feel that obligation to do something we don’t want to, our bodies will intervene.  Unfortunately it’s often in a painful way, but it grabs our attention and forces us to face something old patterns of behaviour that are perhaps no longer relevant..  

I want to…

I don’t want to…

I have to…

What are your choices today?